Day One

Well, I've never written a blog before. I've always been too busy to take the time to journal the daily comings and goings of my life. I am a full time teacher and a full time mom with lots of obligations at home, at work, with friends and at church. I've always thought, "wow, I need to slow down," but never thought that the need to do so would strike so quickly and so seriously.

Today I am 11 weeks 4 days pregnant with our second baby. Our son, Jack, is 18 months old and he's just so much fun! We were so excited to find out that we were expecting again. My first pregnancy was, dare I say it, relatively painless. No complications, completely healthy. I absolutely enjoyed every minute of being pregnant with Jack. So, I assumed this second one would be the same. This was a very busy semester at school because I was teaching 22 credit hours, but I was able to manage (barely). Keeping up with a toddler was certainly exhausting, but I kept thinking to myself that I could do it. This pregnancy should be just like the last...no need to change anything. I even kept up my schedule at the gym so that I could stay healthy.

My whole world stopped, Thursday night. I started bleeding. My first thought, "Oh God, please save my baby!" I quickly called my parents to come down and stay with Jack so that Ryan and I could go to the ER. Every thought imaginable was running through my head: "We just got our Christmas cards printed and they read...'and the new baby', what am I going to do?". I didn't even know what to pray for...I just kept saying, "Oh God...please..." The three hours we spent at the ER waiting to confirm if there was still a heartbeat were the most difficult hours of my life. It was only a week ago that we were in the doctor's office for our regular prenatal visit and heard the heart beating strong. The ER doctors performed several exams, drew blood and did an ultrasound. I was not allowed to see anything during the ultrasound nor ask the tech any questions. After waiting for the blood work to come back the doctor was able to come in and confirm that they baby's heart was still beating (151 bpm) and looked good on the ultrasound. However, I had a blood clot that had formed which was causing all the problems. He couldn't say much more but that I needed to get in and see my doctor first thing Friday.

Yesterday morning we went to see my doctor and she also did an ultrasound to take a look at everything. This time I was allowed to see! The first image that came up was the baby's heart beating nice and strong. I was overjoyed! Then she showed us what caused the blood clot: my placenta had started to separate from the wall of the uterus. She said there is a 50/50 chance of the placenta reattaching and carrying the baby full term. Based on where the separation was, she felt like I might be in the 50% positive outcome but she said we are, "in a very tenuous position right now." That being said, she put me on bed rest for the near future. I asked what that means in terms of the holidays and work and all the other obligations we have in the next few weeks. Her response, "it'll be Christmas in bed for you!"

So, that's where we are at today. I spent the rest of the day yesterday in bed, my mind racing through how in the world we were going to manage this. Monday starts finals week at school, I had students waiting for final exam reviews on Friday that I wasn't able to do, I had students with scheduled office hours appointments throughout the next week. My biggest concern of all of this was how am I going to be able to be a Mom for Jack. Everything about our life has to change. Ryan is going to turn into Mr. Mom very quickly. He's been so amazing helping me cope with all of this. I can honestly say that I am going to miss being able to pick up Jack and snuggle with him. I'm going to miss changing his diapers and preparing his meals. Then obviously, all the holiday festivities that I am going to miss. This is my favorite time of year and I am disappointed that I won't be able to see Jack sit on Santa's lap, I can't go with him to look at Christmas lights, I won't get to see his eyes on Christmas morning when he sees presents under the tree. Maybe I can convince Ryan to move the Christmas tree into our bedroom!

Through the last 36 hours, though, I keep thinking that all the sacrifices I make now will help to ensure that this baby has a chance to live and isn't that what I want so much more than helping students or attending holiday festivities? My life is going to look different for the next while, and I pray that I can be obedient to the will of God and allow my body to heal and for our miracle baby to continue to grow strong.