Days Eleven and Twelve

It's been a busy two days, at least for everyone else in the family! We celebrated Christmas with Ryan's brother and his family as well as Sue and Ryan's grandparents last night. Boy did the kiddos enjoy opening new toys. Everything that Jack opened he either said, "on" or "open" immediately. I would say his favorite new toy was a drum that Grandma Sue got him. He knew exactly what to do with those drum sticks! I obeyed doctor's orders and stayed in bed for the most part. I did move to a chair in our loft for much of the evening, and tried my best to stay seated. It's interesting how much more I was tempted to do just because I wasn't sitting in bed. Luckily my family kept me on track and reminded me to sit down as often as I tried to get up.

On Tuesday, I did gather the courage to call the doctor and ask about Christmas Eve services. My doctor wasn't in, but the other doctor in the practice said, "God will throw you a bone, so Merry Christmas." I guess that means I can go?! I did promise to go directly there and back home but I am excited to be able to attend the first Christmas Eve services at Harvest Community Church. Ryan has put a lot of time and energy into the lighting for the service and I'm glad I can go and support him in his efforts.

I go back to my doctor a week from today. I've really managed to convince myself that she's going to release me from bed rest even though I have no reason to think that at all. It's a matter of hoping and praying for that outcome so much that I can't even imagine the alternative. I was reading on some message boards of other women who have been diagnosed with a subchorionic hematoma and several women said that once the hematoma disappeared things were pretty much normal for the rest of the pregnancy. I just hope when I go back next Thursday that it's disappeared. Some women mentioned that theirs did not dissipate until around 20 weeks. I sincerely hope my doctor will do another ultrasound before 20 weeks to see if it is gone. I am not sure if I can hang on for another 6 weeks if that is truly the case.

On a side note, I made a scarf for Ryan's cousin Becca's Christmas present. She's 8 years old and is doing ice skating lessons. I hope she likes it!

Day Ten

Yesterday was full of visitors and good conversations. It was a day that lifted my spirits. It started with our Pastor's wife, Melissa, stopping by in the morning with their two kids. They brought a yummy dinner for us to enjoy that night and it was fun just getting to visit with Melissa for a while. Their daughter, Noel, is only 6 weeks old and she was so cute all cuddled into Mommy's shoulder as she slept.

In the afternoon, my friend Lisette from church stopped by to drop off more goodies and a chalk board for Jack. She had mentioned she was wanting to get rid of it and I was so excited to get one for Jack. Now, we just need to find some chalk and an eraser and we'll be good to go! We just got our walls painted, so hopefully Jack will keep all his chalk artwork on the board (wishful thinking...I know). Lisette also recommended a cute "chick flick" to watch on Netflix. I feel like I've pretty much exhausted all the good movies on Netflix streaming, so if anyone else has good recommendations, let me know!

Later in the afternoon, I got a call from a friend of mine from graduate school who finished at ASU and got a job at a liberal arts college in VA. I hadn't talked to her in over a year and a half and it was such a great phone call. She let me know that her and her husband are expecting their first baby in May! I was overjoyed for them. She worked so hard in grad school and finished with a PhD in Graph Theory. I can't even begin to share just how smart she is! But one of the biggest struggles for women pursuing graduate degrees in math/science/engineering fields is having to put off family while you work towards a "tenure track" position after graduate school. I am so happy for her that she's been able to find a satisfying career as well as begin to start her family. I'll be praying for them as they prepare in the months to come!

I am really looking forward to tomorrow as our holiday festivities are going to kick into high gear! Kyle, Debbie and Maddie are going to come over for the day and I can't wait. My niece Maddie and Jack are only a month apart in age, so it is such a joy to get them together. I've really enjoyed getting to be a mom and an aunt all at once. I'm excited for them to be able to spend the day with us and for the all day company! Ryan's Dad and Step-Mom will come over in the afternoon so we can all celebrate Christmas together. Then in the evening we'll celebrate Christmas with Ryan's mom and grandparents. Such a fun-filled day. Hope none of the family mind that we'll spend most of the day in my room!

One final note, I'm trying to work up the courage to call my doctor and see if she'd let me go to Christmas Eve services on Friday. I'm scared to call, though. I am not supposed to go back and see her until Dec. 30th, which is when I'd assume she'd let me know how much longer I need to be on bed rest. I don't want to call her today only to find out bad news. I know it makes no sense, but that's my fear. Ryan keeps asking me when I'm going to call and I keep saying later. Eventually, I just have to do it...but I prefer thinking, "what I don't know can't hurt me."

Day Nine

This pregnancy I have been plagued with headaches! A few days ago I had a headache behind my right eye and then last night I started with a headache behind my left eye. I decided to go to bed rather than writing a blog post in the hopes that it would go away, but this morning I woke up with the headache still. I was so lucky when I was pregnant with Jack because I didn't have a single headache at all. I guess the old adage that every pregnancy is different is true.

Yesterday the big task was to try to cross stitch. I did not pick that up as easily as the knitting. I got frustrated pretty quickly and put the project down. Maybe I'll try again today.

I think yesterday was just a tough day all around. I had my first breakdown since I got out on bed rest. In a moment of weakness I decided to pick Jack up and lift him on the bed with me. Ryan saw me do it and really reminded me that I am not allowed to be doing things like that. In this particular situation, Jack had tripped and fell and he came running over to me for comfort. How can a Mom deny providing comfort to her child in a time like that? I was caught in a catch 22: If I pick up Jack, I put strain on myself that could harm the baby, if I don't pick up Jack, he's hurting and doesn't understand why Mommy won't love him up. The weight of the whole situation was overwhelming so after I picked him up, I just cried. Ryan reminded me that he is here to lift Jack up to me...so I really should have got Ryan's attention so he could lift Jack to me and then neither of my babies would have been hurt. It was a moment of pure weakness and just a desire to be the Mommy I want to be with Jack.

The night ended much better when our friends Jake, Rilie and their daughter Ivy brought dinner. Ivy is six days older than Jack and the two of them get to play together in the nursery at church on Sunday mornings. When we told Jack Ivy was coming over, he paced up and down the hallway saying, "Ivy, Ivy, Ivy, Ivy!" It was so sweet. It was so nice to have the company and hear the kiddos playing in the loft. Although, we really have to crack down on Jack's throwing! He accidentally hit Ivy with one of his toys, and I felt horrible. It's hard because he says "NO" as he's doing it...so he knows that we tell him not to throw, but he does it anyway. Before I was put on bed rest, I was starting to initiate a short time-out when he wasn't listening. Unfortunately, there hasn't been consistency with that because our life is out of routine right now, but I'm going to have to get on that as soon as I am allowed to move around again. Thank you Jake and Rilie for the delicious dinner and the wonderful company. It made my night!

Day Eight

First, I have to start off by thanking my sister, Tina, for coming over bright and early this morning to help with Jack while Ryan went to a meeting at church. I was silly and forgot to arrange something ahead of time. Then last night at 10:45 pm, I thought who would still be up to answer their phone...TINA! So, thanks Tina for being willing to crawl out of bed at 6:33 am to come over and help with Jack. You are awesome!

Today was all about learning new things! Ryan's grandparents and his cousin Holly came by today for lunch. Holly teaches Culinary Arts at two schools in Phoenix, and she worked at JoAnn's for quite some time. Needless to say Holly is crafty. When she came for lunch she gave me a whole plastic tub full of crafts I can do while I'm sitting. There were some knitting looms and yarn as well as some cross stitch patterns. I've never knitted before but had always wanted to learn. It seemed like it would take a lot of coordination and time. Even if we'd just met, it wouldn't be difficult to deduce that I had ZERO time to learn anything new. When Holly dropped off this tub of new crafts, I was anxious to dive right in. This afternoon Ryan took Jack and Bruce for an extended walk and park play. While they were gone I was able to knit a small baby hat for my friend Melissa's baby boy due in February. I couldn't believe how quickly I was able to figure it out...and I only had to undo the beginning once! I want to make another one for our baby but I can't decide what yarn to use. At my ultrasound on Monday, the doctor said she was 80% certain she knew the sex of the baby, but I was told not to go out and buy anything yet. Do I knit a hat for our baby in a neutral color, or do I assume the doctor is right and make a hat specifically for our little......

**For those of you that know that doctor's prediction, please do not post it here. We'll wait to officially announce when we are more than 80% sure :D **

Can't wait to see baby Larsen wearing this!

Day Seven

Today was the first day that I didn't have much work to get accomplished. It's a good thing too because I woke up with a headache this morning. So I guess now starts the real test. Tonight is also the first holiday get together that I am missing. Our friends Mike and Melissa have had a holiday party every year since our freshman year in college. There is always a pretty funny white elephant exchange and this year I was so excited about our gift (I can't wait to hear who left the party with it!)

As I sit here intermittently checking for texts of pictures or videos from Ryan, I can't help but think about the opportunities that this bed rest is providing me the opportunity to do. For instance, I have had several nights of great sleep in a row. The flip side of that is Ryan's sleep has not been so good lately. I started reading Steven King's Dark Tower series the summer of my first year of graduate school. I can finally finish the 7th and last book. We don't officially have another bedroom in our house, so our loft is going to be transformed into a new nursery area for the baby. I have to think about way's to make it seem "walled in" when we want it to be a room and yet still open as the play area during the day. And then of course, the obvious, I've been afforded a little more time to bond with this baby. Now don't get me wrong, from the moment we knew we were expecting I was overjoyed and completely in love with this baby. But, the second pregnancy is not like the first. When you have a toddler to take care of, your every thought is not consumed with all things baby. It's like after Jack is in bed and everything else that needs to get done is done, those last few minutes before heading to sleep were the minutes devoted to imagining and dreaming about the baby. I am dreaming a lot about what our family will be like in the coming months. And getting excited to watch Jack be a big brother! In essence I have reclaimed my time from things that were consuming me and this is forcing me reevaluate to create margin in my life. I am learning to be thankful for all this extra time.

Day Six

Wow! What a day it's been. If anyone ever wondered how long it takes to grade finals for four classes, enter grades and respond to "please round my grade" e-mails, the answer is 12 hours! That's why this post is so late. Usually you grade finals while you give finals, so its never felt like that large of a task before. I don't know what was a larger pain in my butt, sitting all day or grading the finals! I'm sorry I'm complaining, but I sure am glad that is done.

Now I can move on the "leisure" portion of the bed rest time. I have amassed quite a few magazines as well as one gigantic book to read. That's how I'll be spending the next 14 days. In between reading, I'll be wrapping Christmas presents. It's really kinda challenging to negotiate the cuts of wrapping paper when you are sitting on a bed. But, the gifts will certainly look as nice as I can make them.

I did a little wrapping yesterday afternoon and I couldn't help but think that we already have the best gift this Christmas. We know that this little baby is doing well and for that I can only thank the giver of all good things! Goodnight everyone!

Santa's Lap

Ho, Ho, Ho... Not as much!

Jack's Name

Day Five

Today's post is coming a lot later in the day. My colleagues at work are graciously bringing my final exams to me, but unfortunately they've decided not to grade them :-) I had six classes this semester, so that means I have six sets of tests to grade in the next 48 hours.

Ryan got approval from his boss to work from home until January. That has been such a relief for both of us. There was a lot of logistics we weren't sure about when this all started, but him working from home has made the transition quite simple. My mother-in-law, Sue, has been watching Jack while Ryan and I were at work all semester. She's going to continue to watch him during the day for us. That way Ryan can actually "work" while at home. Tonight Ryan is going to take Jack to sit on Santa's lap. Ryan checked and they have free WiFi in the mall  so I hope he can FaceTime the whole thing for me. If Jack really freaks out about it, at least I won't be the parent receiving all the awkward glances from shoppers!

I've started watching some Christmas movies which really help me feel the joy of the season. I'm starting to feel the crunch about shipping gifts back to family in PA. I had intended to get things wrapped and mailed last week. Hopefully I can get some wrapping done this afternoon so Ryan and stop by the UPS store to get them mailed. I always seem to have the best intentions to get things done ahead of time but it turns out I'm still doing things at the last minute!

One other cute story to share, last night we started teaching Jack his full name. I'm attaching a video of him trying to say "Killebrew". It is so cute!

Pics

Day Four

Well, praise is the only word I have to describe my day yesterday! I was at the Fetal & Woman's Center for almost 2 hours as they examined everything relating to the baby. I easily cried for the first 20 minutes of the ultrasound as I could see so much of the baby even at 12 weeks! Most importantly...the heartbeat! I even got to hear it this time which was probably the best sound and what I needed to hear. The equipment they were using was so sophisticated. They could even model the blood flow through both chambers of the heart...AMAZING! They checked out every single part of the baby and the doctor I met with said anatomically this baby is very healthy (Praise!) and measuring just right. The baby so graciously showed us its hands and feet...the images were so clear you could count fingers and toes even this early! They even flipped it into 4D a couple of times and it was just amazing to see this little peanut (not more than 10 cm long) and it was like looking into the face of a newborn. The doctor was able to locate the blood clot and it has decreased in size since Friday (Praise!). The doctor noted that the clot does not present any danger to the baby (Praise!) and that my placenta appears to be completely in tact (Praise!). The doctor said I do need to remain on bed rest because the clot has to dissipate and bed rest just ensures that chances of that happening without any further risks. But I got such a good feeling from the doctor, she really encouraged me that everything is going to be fine. My regular doctor will get the results from the ultrasound and the doctor's report and so I hope by Dec. 30 (my next appointment) my doctor will have good news for me.

Relief...I feel like I can manage the next few weeks knowing that right now the baby is growing strong and healthy and I just need to take it easy. I don't have to worry that any little ache or pain or tug or weird feeling is a sign that something bad is happening. Also, they made a DVD copy of everything they did. So, if I ever get nervous about anything, I can put in the DVD and watch 1.5 hours of my baby moving all over the place.

While I was at the appointment I was so relieved to see the images of the healthy baby...but I started to feel a little like a doubting Thomas. Thomas needed to see Jesus' hands and side before he would believe that He in fact rose from the dead. He didn't have the faith the other disciples had. I prayed for and believed that God could work a miracle, but I still relished in the proof that God was working. Reflecting on this, I realized that God says he reveals himself through his creation. And sometimes I think that just means in nature, but I also think that the hour and a half I got to watch my baby was God revealing himself to me (and anyone else that would like to watch my DVD ;-)) through his creation....this baby.

Day Three

Good morning everyone! Today I have an appointment at the Fetal & Women's Center to get a more detailed ultrasound of the baby and my placenta. I am excited and nervous to hear the news. Naively, I keep hoping they tell me that everything is back to normal and I don't have to be on such strict bed rest after all, but realistically I know that is probably not going to be the case. I must admit that I am excited by the thought of getting to be outside, even if it's only for a split second. For the first time since Friday I put make-up on and actually did my hair. Usually that's an annoying task in the morning, but today it felt like such a luxury. I asked Ryan if it would be ok to "find" errands that his mom (she's the one taking me to the appointment) would need to run while I'm with them in order prolong my absence from our bed :)


Special thanks to Mike and Melissa for the use of their TV. We got rid of cable at our house a couple months ago and just get over-the-air HD. That said, we never got a converter box for our extra TV during the big "change" so our extra TV was of no help. But, M&M saved the day and now I have TV upstairs. We get a lot of Spanish TV over-the-air, so I'm looking forward to improving my Spanish! Also, a friend from church stopped by last night for some math tutoring. It was really fun to talk about something other than "how I'm feeling" and get to talk math. It was a blessing she stopped by because Bruce needed to go outside but I was the only one home. Thanks Emily and the Castillo Family for the dinner as well :)


Yesterday Ryan called me from church so I could hear the sermon and Pastor Lee gave a small reminder of Romans 8:28, "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." As I heard those words, I couldn't help but feel tears welling in my eyes. I know that God loves this baby far more than Ryan and I could ever love this baby, and yet He has trusted us with the baby's care. Moreover, it's immensely difficult to comprehend just how much God will reveal about himself through this situation. The outpouring of love and support through friends and family, that's a glimpse at God's character. The strength of Ryan as a father and leader of our family, that is a glimpse of God's character. I know that the glory of God will be revealed through this, whatever the outcome. I just pray that I have the strength to endure whatever challenges lay ahead. Eventually, all things will be worked together for good.

Day Two

First, I have to thank all my friends and family for the outpouring of support I've received already. So many encouraging stories and it really helps to hear that things turned out OK in so many similar instances. I want everyone to know that I appreciated reading those yesterday and will probably reread them several times throughout this experience just to feel encouraged.

I know there are going to be a lot of life lessons that I learn through this, the first being that when people offer to help, I must accept. Usually, I politely thank you for the offer but feel content carrying on myself. As I write this, I realize how selfish that sounds, however, my intention is not to be selfish when I decline the help of others. I justify the behavior because I never want to put someone out because of my inability to do something. I would hate to know that I've caused someone stress as a result of helping me out. I am always more concerned about everyone else, than I am for myself. By itself that is not a bad trait to have, however, when pushed to extreme it can be very harmful. So while my default response is to politely thank each of you for offering to help, this time know that if you offer, I'll probably ask you to do something!

The second thing I've learned (or should I say am reminded of) is how wonderful my husband is. Despite his own exhaustion last night he still surprised me by bringing the Christmas tree into our bedroom along with our nativity set and few other Christmas decorations. He is so thoughtful! He's dove head first into Mr. Mom role. Sorting laundry, folding laundry, putting laundry away...but I have to say without the help of modern technology it would be a little difficult. Both he and I have iPhones so within WiFi range we can use FaceTime so he can show me Jack's clothes and I can tell him where they go :) It made me laugh because he and Jack were playing in the loft last night and he put his phone in a position so I could watch the two of them play!

All in all, yesterday was a pretty calm day. For those of you praying, I'd ask that you not only pray for me and the baby, but also include Ryan and Jack in your prayers. For Ryan, just pray that he has strength to carry on all the additional weight around the house and for Jack just an understanding beyond his age of why Mommy can't "c'mon" when he waves his arm and starts to leave the bedroom.

Day One

Well, I've never written a blog before. I've always been too busy to take the time to journal the daily comings and goings of my life. I am a full time teacher and a full time mom with lots of obligations at home, at work, with friends and at church. I've always thought, "wow, I need to slow down," but never thought that the need to do so would strike so quickly and so seriously.

Today I am 11 weeks 4 days pregnant with our second baby. Our son, Jack, is 18 months old and he's just so much fun! We were so excited to find out that we were expecting again. My first pregnancy was, dare I say it, relatively painless. No complications, completely healthy. I absolutely enjoyed every minute of being pregnant with Jack. So, I assumed this second one would be the same. This was a very busy semester at school because I was teaching 22 credit hours, but I was able to manage (barely). Keeping up with a toddler was certainly exhausting, but I kept thinking to myself that I could do it. This pregnancy should be just like the last...no need to change anything. I even kept up my schedule at the gym so that I could stay healthy.

My whole world stopped, Thursday night. I started bleeding. My first thought, "Oh God, please save my baby!" I quickly called my parents to come down and stay with Jack so that Ryan and I could go to the ER. Every thought imaginable was running through my head: "We just got our Christmas cards printed and they read...'and the new baby', what am I going to do?". I didn't even know what to pray for...I just kept saying, "Oh God...please..." The three hours we spent at the ER waiting to confirm if there was still a heartbeat were the most difficult hours of my life. It was only a week ago that we were in the doctor's office for our regular prenatal visit and heard the heart beating strong. The ER doctors performed several exams, drew blood and did an ultrasound. I was not allowed to see anything during the ultrasound nor ask the tech any questions. After waiting for the blood work to come back the doctor was able to come in and confirm that they baby's heart was still beating (151 bpm) and looked good on the ultrasound. However, I had a blood clot that had formed which was causing all the problems. He couldn't say much more but that I needed to get in and see my doctor first thing Friday.

Yesterday morning we went to see my doctor and she also did an ultrasound to take a look at everything. This time I was allowed to see! The first image that came up was the baby's heart beating nice and strong. I was overjoyed! Then she showed us what caused the blood clot: my placenta had started to separate from the wall of the uterus. She said there is a 50/50 chance of the placenta reattaching and carrying the baby full term. Based on where the separation was, she felt like I might be in the 50% positive outcome but she said we are, "in a very tenuous position right now." That being said, she put me on bed rest for the near future. I asked what that means in terms of the holidays and work and all the other obligations we have in the next few weeks. Her response, "it'll be Christmas in bed for you!"

So, that's where we are at today. I spent the rest of the day yesterday in bed, my mind racing through how in the world we were going to manage this. Monday starts finals week at school, I had students waiting for final exam reviews on Friday that I wasn't able to do, I had students with scheduled office hours appointments throughout the next week. My biggest concern of all of this was how am I going to be able to be a Mom for Jack. Everything about our life has to change. Ryan is going to turn into Mr. Mom very quickly. He's been so amazing helping me cope with all of this. I can honestly say that I am going to miss being able to pick up Jack and snuggle with him. I'm going to miss changing his diapers and preparing his meals. Then obviously, all the holiday festivities that I am going to miss. This is my favorite time of year and I am disappointed that I won't be able to see Jack sit on Santa's lap, I can't go with him to look at Christmas lights, I won't get to see his eyes on Christmas morning when he sees presents under the tree. Maybe I can convince Ryan to move the Christmas tree into our bedroom!

Through the last 36 hours, though, I keep thinking that all the sacrifices I make now will help to ensure that this baby has a chance to live and isn't that what I want so much more than helping students or attending holiday festivities? My life is going to look different for the next while, and I pray that I can be obedient to the will of God and allow my body to heal and for our miracle baby to continue to grow strong.